I am nowhere.. There is no space and time
19 January 2015
..There is no tomorrow and no yesterday..I wish I could stay in this state of mind a bit longer and explore it.
The class is over. I am in Savasana. I have no power to stand up and can strongly feel my heart beat which doesn’t slow down at all yet or very slowly..
Once, when I managed to stand up I couldn’t hold myself in standing position. I couldn’t walk, talk, nothing. My arms and legs were shaking and I just couldn’t stay straight so I came back to the floor to recharge.
..I have no thought and if any comes it is burnt and disappears. The complain I wanted to write just doesn’t make sense at all anymore, the reason and anger was burnt. I don’t feel anything. No hate. No love. No anger. I can’t talk. The meaning of sounds and voices around is burnt.
The only thing I can feel is peace, calmness, equilibrium, happiness. The only movement I can do at the moment is to roll my head from side to side. The rest of the body doesn’t exist. There are still some echoes coming from somewhere about some issues with my flatmates but those echos don’t reach my full consciousness as they are burnt on the way.
I try to lift my head up so I could roll somehow into a child pose but my muscles still refuse to engage. I try to send this signal a few more times from my brain but my body is still disconnected. I don’t feel my body or I just cannot control it.
I am really beaten and completely defeated. Again some negative echos try to come out from deep-nowhere but they are transformed because the source, reason, cause was burnt. It’s like you are “upset because of SOMETHING” but SOMETHING has gone, was defeated and destroyed in fire so fast but your mind, consciousness cannot handle this yet so it tries to find this SOMETHING to fill the gap in “upset because of xyz“. It is that mind inertia “I was annoyed, where is that SOMETHING?”. Is it just that I am not strong enough to bring that SOMETHING thought back or that SOMETHING became so insignificant and unimportant? It’s gone my friend. Take it. Negative echos realise that there is no place for them and they disappear.
All this process happens in a split of second and becoming unconscious. My mind is sooo defeated that I am not strong enough to think and create a new thought. I don’t think. When I try, nothing happens. I don’t feel emotions. I am not. I don’t exist..
..My heart beat and pulse is becoming so strong and fast that my body asks to react somehow. I am not thirsty but my lips are dried and I got to the point that I can feel that I am on desert and cannot handle this heat. My head, and body are still frozen with no chance to move but my arms can lift and hands can crawl around to take my bottle somewhere next to my head. There is frozen water. We shouldn’t drink frozen water but some of us can overheat sometimes to the point that this is the only rescue. Anyway, the class finished. The cap is unscrewed. I manage to position the bottle just above my mouth while my head is still resting on the floor. This is proving to be a very difficult task.
The muscle coordination still doesn’t work well, half of the signals just don’t reach the place. All this feels like I have just started using my arms first time ever or after 100 years of sleep. Angle changed. I don’t like cold water so I let just a very tiny tiny stream leak into my mouth. As soon as the first cold drop touches my lips, a powerful energy shoots through my head and body. I can feel a single drop on my lips so strongly. How amazing. It’s like those vampires woken up by a single drop of blood. My lips were so dried that the first drop just disappeared. Bottle angle changed again. A few more drops now reach more skin surface of my lips, again that shooting energy. Now the lips are wet the other drops just leak inside my mouth. I can feel the whole journey of these drops slowly flowing millimetre by millimetre through my mouth touching my tip of tongue surface and then going further to middle and back of the tongue further there through the throat surface. So strong. I can feel it also a bit in my oesophagus but then the feeling disappears when the drop reaches my body temperature. The cold stream of water is so tiny so I feel it like a frozen string touching me and cooling my body down. I don’t need more. This was enough to trick my brain.
My body is happy again and lets me disconnect and go away. I am nowhere. There is no space and time. There is no tomorrow and no yesterday…I wish I could stay in this state of mind a bit longer and explore it.
I am now reset. New. Reborn. I feel like I have no emotions, I am a bit scared but it is just that strong calmness. It’s not only my body which gets its deserved kickass motion/practise but also my mind is completely reset and rebooted. I live a new life every time I am reset.
This is reincarnation on daily basis but I can carry all positive and good memories to the next day I am reborn. Also, I get the same body. Every day is a new life cycle and I can make my life better on daily basis. I don’t have to wait till I die and be born again. I prefer to be more efficient.. I was disconnected from my body and I am now slowly reconnecting back and taking control.
I manage to roll and come to child’s pose. It seems to me that I am doing all these movements first time ever, hands still shaking. Reconnecting with breath. I feel my stomach expanding and relaxing. I manage to come up and squat next to my mat, roll my towel and help a bit with the water pool I caused. Reconnecting with my legs, get the walk coordination right and walk slowly to the changing room.
I might look strange to those queueing in front of the studio but I am still working on my body & mind calibration & coordination. The shower or rather a strong stream of water is the last bit to take full control of myself. I am very calm, recharged and like on drugs. Let’s do some work now :-)